We celebrated Charles Darwin's 200th birthday at my Unitarian Universalist church this week, complete with painting a papier mache tortoise named Chuck, a panel discussion about the inevitable debate of religion vs. science, and a sermon focused specifically on Darwin the Man himself.
As my daughter will tell you, I LOVE Darwin. And I'm not entirely sure why. Something about the random interconnection of life and its results as the evolutionary force of nature. It is why the novel I am slowly evolving myself is titled EVOLVE, and why my bedroom is filled with books about Darwin's theories.
At church, I admired again the words of our gifted writer/speaker Rev. Kate, as she pulled together disparate bits about how Evolution Rocks (look up the song lyrics), how the Church of England has published an apology for its treatment of Darwin's theory in his day, and how the Unfinished Business of life is the continuous pursuit of becoming who we are at our core.
"Evolution is," she said. We're never just done.
Life builds from our "successful mistakes," which is not the oxymoron we might otherwise believe it to be.
When I look at my children, I want them to have perfection. I want to tell them everything they need to know. I don't want them to fall down. I don't want them to get hurt. But, of course, they will.
Last weekend, my 10-year-old daughter did what I thought was not possible. She let a solicitor, a stranger, into the house while I was upstairs. Actually opened the door and let him in, because she didn't want to "not be nice" and make him stand in the cold.
She knew that this was a mistake. Thankfully, it was a mistake that was not tragic -- I kicked him out and she and I had an involved, emotional talk. But it freaked me out tremendously. How could she not KNOW this? Haven't I talked to her well enough? And for heaven's sake, how do I convince her that being "nice" is not always the best policy?
She had made a mistake. We talked about it. We learned from it. Hopefully we evolved from the experience. And perhaps that random encounter with a solicitor might actually help her avoid someone more harmful someday.
Rev. Kate also pointed out one of my favorite mantras: that we are formed from that which is both predictable, and unexpected.
We all need structure to keep us afloat. But it is in the unexpected paths -- such as Choice Motherhood, such as a child's questions -- where we discover who we really are.
The recent Facebook phenomenon of writing down 25 Random Things about ourselves is an indulgent little exercise. But it also reminds me of something interesting that I learned in a UU workshop a few years ago, when the simplest question from Rev. Frank led to profound moments of discovery for many of us in the room. He asked us simply to talk about the moments that piqued our spiritual journeys -- and I found myself remembering something from my childhood that I'd forgotten. About the time my parents took in a few members of a traveling musical group from Chicago that came to our small town, and our neighbors across the street had a fit because they were black.
In our very white town, this kind of bigotry was something I'd never experienced before. And it had a profound impact on my values today. I have an extremely short fuse for intolerance. For that unexpected moment in time, I am grateful for what it taught me.
Rev. Kate also pointed out that on our individual paths to perfection, we still argue about what evolution means.
I see this, sometimes good-naturedly, sometimes mean-spiritedly, in our own discussions -- from outsiders, as well as from within -- about Choice Motherhood.
The California single woman who now has 14 children, after delivering eight at once, churns up a tremendous amount of viewpoints about what is right and wrong. Are we right to make choices for ourselves, but then not allow others to make choices they believe are right to make? Who judges who is fit, and who is not? Is a large family worse off than a small family? Is a single-parent family worse off than a two-parent family? Can one woman really love and care for that many healthy and potentially unhealthy children? And if not, who bears responsibility for them? Do we get angry because we care, or because we think we're better than she is?
Most of these good questions. Without answers. But the discussion itself is good to have.
Again, I believe that we discover our own values in having conversation about what is important to us -- and don't need to always impose our own values onto others. What is important is that we learn what we need in order to become closer to the person we are at our core.
We evolve. As individuals, Rev. Kate said, whose edges are blurred and touching.
The church service also included a perfect example of evolution in action. One of the pillars of our church has been dispatched to Iraq for a year as a member of the National Guard. His family was encircled by the congregation; his daughter (my daughter's age) was encircled by her classmates. We used ritual, and words, and comfort shawls, and tears, to send him off. An individual, doing what he needs to do, whose edges have very much touched those of hundreds of people in his community -- and will continue to do so, in yet another community he finds himself connected to.
It is our own aspiration as Choice Moms. Individuals, in a community we have built ourselves, with edges touching.
for more about the community we could be building in our Choice Mom quest, see the ChoiceMoms.org website package this month about "finding partners"
Showing posts with label single parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
becoming our own support network
This month on the ChoiceMoms.org website we are taking a special look at how we build our tribe as single parents, and why it is important.
Knowing hundreds of Choice Moms, and even some of the rare married parents, I know that the single most important factor in succeeding as a parent is having a strong support network.
Some of the women in the Thinking stage are afraid of taking this path on their own. Others, especially in the Becoming stage, home with newborns, think they are supposed to do this alone, and are more typically reluctant to ask for help.
Those of us in the Being stage tend to have the wisdom to know that we all need a wide support network -- even our married friends require more than one partner to succeed.
In 2009, it is a Choice Moms goal to build greater bridges in the community so that we in the Being stage can be there for those in the Thinking, Trying, Waiting and Becoming stages.
We are often our own best advocates. I hear it every day on the Choice Mom discussion board, when we congratulate each other on baby steps or offer insight into a woman's fears. (It always dismays me greatly when we squabble about petty things, but that is inevitable in every family.) And I see the euphoria that so many women get at the face-to-face Choice Mom networking events.
In this month's Waiting blog, there is a heart-rending story of a Choice Mom-in-the-making who had to quietly go back to work after finding out about her miscarriage, attempting to act stoic around colleagues who never knew she had conceived. She turned to the Choice Mom discussion board to share her sorrow.
At Choice Mom events, and in podcasts, we have captured some of the intense grief and anger that women in the Thinking stage can feel. Online we hear women in the Being stage admit that which they are afraid to say out loud to friends and family: single parenting is exhausting, isolating and often depressing. Single women who have been there and reached the other side as Moms can offer tremendous support, as we read in the January 2009 Thinking and Becoming blogs.
Choice Moms everywhere need to be there for the women who lose the support of family and friends they had thought they could count on. Such as the woman I know whose mother said news of her pregnancy was "the worst thing I've ever heard." The Thinker who was disinvited from a family holiday because of her plans. The small-town teacher shunned by work colleagues.
We need to help these women find new support in us.
For the sleep-deprived new mom exhausted with trying to figure out the diaper genie and the baby carrier and how to interpret her baby's cries, we need to share our own survival stories.
And within our own circle -- dealing with the stress of kids who forget to change their underwear everyday, and have to be reminded to brush hair and teeth before the bush comes, and squabble with siblings -- we need to remind each other of the importance of friendships outside of mothering. Snapping occurs much less frequently when playdates aren't the only item on our socializing agenda.
A challenge of Choice Motherhood is that we're often older than other parents who have kids the age of our children. We commonly lose a taste for dating and don't easily engage in intimate relationships.
We do naturally meet new people through shared playground, church and school activities. But we also need to consciously make the effort to build our networks, and the ChoiceMoms.org website gives advice about how to do that if we've lost the way.
We should never be everything to our children, and our children should never be everything to us.
How have you found support?
Knowing hundreds of Choice Moms, and even some of the rare married parents, I know that the single most important factor in succeeding as a parent is having a strong support network.
Some of the women in the Thinking stage are afraid of taking this path on their own. Others, especially in the Becoming stage, home with newborns, think they are supposed to do this alone, and are more typically reluctant to ask for help.
Those of us in the Being stage tend to have the wisdom to know that we all need a wide support network -- even our married friends require more than one partner to succeed.
In 2009, it is a Choice Moms goal to build greater bridges in the community so that we in the Being stage can be there for those in the Thinking, Trying, Waiting and Becoming stages.
We are often our own best advocates. I hear it every day on the Choice Mom discussion board, when we congratulate each other on baby steps or offer insight into a woman's fears. (It always dismays me greatly when we squabble about petty things, but that is inevitable in every family.) And I see the euphoria that so many women get at the face-to-face Choice Mom networking events.
In this month's Waiting blog, there is a heart-rending story of a Choice Mom-in-the-making who had to quietly go back to work after finding out about her miscarriage, attempting to act stoic around colleagues who never knew she had conceived. She turned to the Choice Mom discussion board to share her sorrow.
At Choice Mom events, and in podcasts, we have captured some of the intense grief and anger that women in the Thinking stage can feel. Online we hear women in the Being stage admit that which they are afraid to say out loud to friends and family: single parenting is exhausting, isolating and often depressing. Single women who have been there and reached the other side as Moms can offer tremendous support, as we read in the January 2009 Thinking and Becoming blogs.
Choice Moms everywhere need to be there for the women who lose the support of family and friends they had thought they could count on. Such as the woman I know whose mother said news of her pregnancy was "the worst thing I've ever heard." The Thinker who was disinvited from a family holiday because of her plans. The small-town teacher shunned by work colleagues.
We need to help these women find new support in us.
For the sleep-deprived new mom exhausted with trying to figure out the diaper genie and the baby carrier and how to interpret her baby's cries, we need to share our own survival stories.
And within our own circle -- dealing with the stress of kids who forget to change their underwear everyday, and have to be reminded to brush hair and teeth before the bush comes, and squabble with siblings -- we need to remind each other of the importance of friendships outside of mothering. Snapping occurs much less frequently when playdates aren't the only item on our socializing agenda.
A challenge of Choice Motherhood is that we're often older than other parents who have kids the age of our children. We commonly lose a taste for dating and don't easily engage in intimate relationships.
We do naturally meet new people through shared playground, church and school activities. But we also need to consciously make the effort to build our networks, and the ChoiceMoms.org website gives advice about how to do that if we've lost the way.
We should never be everything to our children, and our children should never be everything to us.
How have you found support?
Friday, November 14, 2008
On reliability, support and independence
I recently returned from a second networking workshop for Choice Moms, which I conducted in the San Francisco Bay Area, following up a similar event in New York City last month.
Putting them back-to-back, what have I learned about the Choice Mom community?
Yes, we are strongly self-sufficient, intelligent, fun women. And yes, we derive a great deal of strength from being able to meet, connect, share. But there were surprises.
In New York City, the conversation circle about "grieving the dream" was bursting at the seams with participants (topic of our latest podcast). Single Mother by Choice founder Jane Mattes' talk about "Answering the Daddy Question" was wonderfully humorous and reassuring (now captured as part of a 50-minute CD available in the ChoiceMoms.org Products section). In the Bay Area, the small group talking about at-home insemination was insightful and warm. The large group interested in discussing "parenting over 40" had to be moved to a bigger space.
The group chat about Choice Mom survival tricks (which you'll hear soon on an upcoming podcast) focused in both cities on the importance of support networks, and being able to ask for help.
Two aspects of the Choice journey that I've benefited greatly from.
Before having my kids, I could do everything alone. This was a point of pride. Also a lack of faith in being able to trust others.
We need to be able to rely on other people. When there isn't anyone dependable around -- a true partner -- we can become bitter about it...defensive about it (I don't really need anyone anyway)...joke about being 'control freaks'...perhaps melt down every once in awhile...simply do the turtle shell retreat and build our life around no one else.
And then our kids arrive, and we can't possibly do it alone. First we need someone to watch the baby while we nap, or to cook a few dinners (see recent Becoming blog). Then we need a stranger to carry our stroller down a flight of stairs while we tote groceries and baby. Our baby gets sick and -- panicked and exhausted and unable to leave home -- we call on a neighbor to pick up medicine.
And they do.
And we are amazed. We are touched. We are grateful for the reminder that good people exist who will help us, if we let them, if we ask.
We get better at recognizing who adds to our life, rather than takes away. We re-prioritize who we want in our life. Slowly, as our exhaustion with a newborn and our distraction with a toddler gives way, we find ourselves with school-aged kids and we're open to getting involved -- involved! -- with school activities, church events, recreational pursuits, social life, ME time.
We look around and see how much stronger our lives are because of all the new people in it.
It's not easy to trust this will happen before you get there. In the Bay Area, on a gray day, not-yet-moms talked about fears of always being alone. New moms talked about being too fatigued to feel connected to anyone else. And with toddlers running free, making new friends, occasionally forcing moms to leap to their feet for intervention, there also emerged a great, bonding energy. The high that comes from recognizing that we aren't alone -- people with similar values are around us, rising to meet similar challenges, able and willing to offer insight that can help us take a new step if we need it.
We learn, through our kids, that what makes us strong is not our independence, but our interdependence.
We learn and grow, not simply from virtual connections online, but from real, live interactions when we can look someone in the eye and recognize something of ourselves there.
Emily wrote: "I just wanted to thank you for hosting a wonderful event last weekend. I really enjoyed connecting with real people after all these months of digital and written, relatively silent thinking and doing."
Fiona said: "What a supportive group of women you managed to bring together. I've never felt so sure of the decision I was making!"
Felicia reported: "I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be surrounded by strong, funny, insightful like minded women. Especially for a group like us, who often don't feel we get the support we would like to have. You may have support from some friends and some family...but there is something almost sacred about being amongst others like ourselves, who truly get it. It feels very warm and safe."
As I write this, Garrison Keillor is on the headphones and these words slide out in his marvelously melodious voice: "It's November. Winter's coming. We need warmth. We need life. So we reach out for each other."
That's what being a mother helps us do, so much more consciously than we ever did when we were truly single.
Where should we reach out in 2009? I'm collecting input about which cities should host the next 2 or 3 Choice Mom networking events. Please vote here.
Putting them back-to-back, what have I learned about the Choice Mom community?
Yes, we are strongly self-sufficient, intelligent, fun women. And yes, we derive a great deal of strength from being able to meet, connect, share. But there were surprises.
In New York City, the conversation circle about "grieving the dream" was bursting at the seams with participants (topic of our latest podcast). Single Mother by Choice founder Jane Mattes' talk about "Answering the Daddy Question" was wonderfully humorous and reassuring (now captured as part of a 50-minute CD available in the ChoiceMoms.org Products section). In the Bay Area, the small group talking about at-home insemination was insightful and warm. The large group interested in discussing "parenting over 40" had to be moved to a bigger space.
The group chat about Choice Mom survival tricks (which you'll hear soon on an upcoming podcast) focused in both cities on the importance of support networks, and being able to ask for help.
Two aspects of the Choice journey that I've benefited greatly from.
Before having my kids, I could do everything alone. This was a point of pride. Also a lack of faith in being able to trust others.
We need to be able to rely on other people. When there isn't anyone dependable around -- a true partner -- we can become bitter about it...defensive about it (I don't really need anyone anyway)...joke about being 'control freaks'...perhaps melt down every once in awhile...simply do the turtle shell retreat and build our life around no one else.
And then our kids arrive, and we can't possibly do it alone. First we need someone to watch the baby while we nap, or to cook a few dinners (see recent Becoming blog). Then we need a stranger to carry our stroller down a flight of stairs while we tote groceries and baby. Our baby gets sick and -- panicked and exhausted and unable to leave home -- we call on a neighbor to pick up medicine.
And they do.
And we are amazed. We are touched. We are grateful for the reminder that good people exist who will help us, if we let them, if we ask.
We get better at recognizing who adds to our life, rather than takes away. We re-prioritize who we want in our life. Slowly, as our exhaustion with a newborn and our distraction with a toddler gives way, we find ourselves with school-aged kids and we're open to getting involved -- involved! -- with school activities, church events, recreational pursuits, social life, ME time.
We look around and see how much stronger our lives are because of all the new people in it.
It's not easy to trust this will happen before you get there. In the Bay Area, on a gray day, not-yet-moms talked about fears of always being alone. New moms talked about being too fatigued to feel connected to anyone else. And with toddlers running free, making new friends, occasionally forcing moms to leap to their feet for intervention, there also emerged a great, bonding energy. The high that comes from recognizing that we aren't alone -- people with similar values are around us, rising to meet similar challenges, able and willing to offer insight that can help us take a new step if we need it.
We learn, through our kids, that what makes us strong is not our independence, but our interdependence.
We learn and grow, not simply from virtual connections online, but from real, live interactions when we can look someone in the eye and recognize something of ourselves there.
Emily wrote: "I just wanted to thank you for hosting a wonderful event last weekend. I really enjoyed connecting with real people after all these months of digital and written, relatively silent thinking and doing."
Fiona said: "What a supportive group of women you managed to bring together. I've never felt so sure of the decision I was making!"
Felicia reported: "I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be surrounded by strong, funny, insightful like minded women. Especially for a group like us, who often don't feel we get the support we would like to have. You may have support from some friends and some family...but there is something almost sacred about being amongst others like ourselves, who truly get it. It feels very warm and safe."
As I write this, Garrison Keillor is on the headphones and these words slide out in his marvelously melodious voice: "It's November. Winter's coming. We need warmth. We need life. So we reach out for each other."
That's what being a mother helps us do, so much more consciously than we ever did when we were truly single.
Where should we reach out in 2009? I'm collecting input about which cities should host the next 2 or 3 Choice Mom networking events. Please vote here.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Podcast: The Mr. Good Enough debate
When Lori Gottlieb wrote an article about the merits of settling for Mr. Good Enough (Atlantic Monthly, March 2008), it set off a firestorm of debate within the Choice Mom community and across the U.S. in general. We talk on the Choice Chat podcast (posted today) with Lori about the strong responses she's gotten from people on both sides of the discussion. We also talk openly with Choice Mom Lily about the sometimes shamed viewpoint even within our own community that single parenting can be incredibly rewarding but also can be a lonely path.
Catch up on the discussion by listening to the podcast, then post your comments here.
-- Mikki
Catch up on the discussion by listening to the podcast, then post your comments here.
-- Mikki
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
