Monday, May 24, 2010

VISIT THE NEW FORMAT

Note that in February 2010 the ChoiceMoms.org website moved to a more dynamic format that enables us to add daily blogs to the website itself in each category of the Choice Mom journey -- with even more bells and whistles that includes audio clips, sponsor deals, event details and more.

Visit the Being section there at:
http://www.choicemoms.org/being/6

Mikki

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Forgiveness, and parenting

I joined a new "sermon-based" group at my First Universalist Church recently. Set groups of 6-8 of us meet every other week to talk about the theme of that month's sermons.

In January the theme was forgiveness, and it's amazing how deeply that topic touches so many of us. How many of us have trouble forgiving ourselves. And how many of us -- even in our 40s, 60s, 80s -- are trying to forgive our parents.

It makes you realize the power of parenting to really screw people up. :-)

One thing I've learned so far, however, is that saying things out loud, to yourself, is a big step. And then saying it out loud to someone you are trying to forgive, if that person is still in your life (in this world or the next), is also important. Not so much for reconciling with them. But for reconciling with yourself.

Because forgiveness, I think, is so much about letting go and moving on for yourself.

As our minister put it: "Forgiveness is about letting go of the idea that you can change the past."

As a parent, I'm now trying to look at things that my kids will someday need to forgive ME for. Will it be for the way I talk to them when I'm angry? For being distracted a lot with work?

THESE are the relationship issues that are important. NOT, I am sure of it now that I'm getting to know their maturing selves, the fact that they grew up without a father in their lives.

Those big overarching issues we often grow up with in relation to our own parents is not so much what we felt was done TO us -- events and lifestyles -- but in the way we interacted over time. Was it respectful, or judgmental and critical? Was it nurturing, or narcissistic? Did we feel we were listened to, or ignored?

What do you think? What arrows did you keep to your chest for some time, perhaps about your own childhood, before learning how to pluck them out and move on?