A busy Choice Mom, behind on shopping for the holidays, wondered what she might be able to get for her parents on behalf of her young daughter. She asked Choice Moms for advice. This insight from Christine, mother of two young daughters, I thought was especially helpful:
First off, let me say how much I can relate to your pain and frustration! Every time I pat myself on the back that I'm done with shopping, someone else pops up!
However, I suggest 2 things. 1) stop and breathe -- I think it's so easy to get caught up in the commercial part of making sure everyone has a gift that we forget to enjoy the moment of the holiday. Last year at this time I had a three week old and a preschooler in the house. I was limited and exhausted, and finally had to admit I couldn't do it all! It was a very liberating feeling, and allowed me to slow down and just enjoy the spirit. 2) You are always thinking about what's best for your daughter, so think about what you want her impressions of Christmas to be? A stressed mom? I'm trying to keep in mind this season (and it's hard sometimes!) that I really want to pass on the traditions of Christmas to my children, and not so much the present part.
Having said all that, what about taking one of your favorite pictures from this year and making a frame out of connected handprint-tracing cutouts? I don't know if your daughter is drawing stick people, but I always treasure my daughter's drawings of our family. What about a t-shirt or tote bag covered with her hand- and footprints? I always give my mom a yearly calendar filled with the girls' pictures as a new years present (my mother still has a dial up computer connection so sending her picture files is almost impossible!). It includes Christmas morning photos, so she doesn't mind the wait! My last suggestion is just to go to Target with your daughter and let her pick out what she thinks grandma and grandpa would like. You are totally off the hook then, because your daughter picked it out!
Holly added these ideas:
Don't discount the photo mug idea. We have a kiosk in a small mall here that does it in an hour or so. Maybe check there? How about a picture on an ornament with the year?
For Gramma, my daughter has made her a picture that we framed. She also collected some acorns (they do this every fall together) and I preserved them with an acrylic spray and we're giving them in a lovely bowl. Also, I do A LOT of my shopping on http://www.etsy.com and found a local woman who made Gramma a set of earrings with an acorn theme and a bracelet to match - inexpensive, handmade and since she's local the expedited shipping wasn't terrible (I almost went to her house to get them at one point!). Here's the link to search for local merchants near you: http://www.etsy.com/shop_local.php?ref=fp_nav_local.
Something simple, IMO, is always best and makes the biggest hit. Books for them to read together? A plant in a Terracotta pot that is decorated by your daughter with paints with a plant she picked out at the local garden center? If photos are in abundance, I've made small "scrapbooks" with small wire bound sketchbooks, self-adhesive photo corners and little stickers and handwriting throughout remembering times together (cheaper than online and easier if you have the time).
What about you? What ideas have worked for you?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Finding your support network
A single woman thinking about becoming a Choice Mom emailed to ask about all the situations that can come up when we need a support network -- and what if we don't have a good one? Her family and friends lived far away. She was tied to a community because of her job, where she was the boss and thus didn't feel she had the work colleagues to ask favors of. What would she do if she needed emergency childcare? Or if her sleep was so impaired that she couldn't function? Or if the stress of life left her unable to cope with a child's tantrums? Where would she find help? Would it all magically work out?
It prompted me to work on the next radio show, about building our support networks. I've dealt with it on ChoiceMoms.org, with the "building support" package. And we've had several shorter podcasts about it on Choice Chat. But I'm devoting a full hour on the topic on the "Choosing Single Motherhood" show, to go up December 14.
Here is some of the wonderful advice that came from a fellow Choice Mom on the subject, which deserves to be available both for listeners and for readers, from Lily:
"While it is something to think about, I wouldn't get too panicky about any of it. You may have to not assume that your support network for the baby will be the people who will be the social support network for you. You may have to hire people to do things that need doing -- I have always said 'I do with a checkbook what other people do with a spouse.'
The answer to most of your questions about "what to do if..." is "you just do it." You won't be getting full nights of sleep for a long time. When your toddler has a tantrum, you just deal with it. When you get sick, you just handle it. There will be times when you will think 'I just can't take too much more of this,' but you'll get past them. I have a few numbers of people I could call, and 99 percent of the time, I get through it just by thinking I COULD call them if I had to. I almost never do.
In terms of work, you will be missing more days than you are now -- that's just a given. The child will be unexpectedly ill, your daycare provider will call in sick or will be unexpectedly closed, and you will have to take time off. If you're senior, I assume you've been working there for a while. This is when it is going to be time for payback for all the years when you took the late nights, worked all the holidays, or whatever. I view it as a bank -- when I had the freedom to work late, pick up the rotten shift, whatever, I did it. I figured at some point in my life, I'd need to take advantage of needing to take time off, and then no one could say I was a shirker, because I'd have years of going the extra mile at my back. And now I do have to take more time off, and I don't think about it at all. I don't feel bad about it, and I don't view it as revenge for all those times in the past (I'm not trying to 'stick it' to my colleagues), but as something I've earned both administratively and in the goodwill bank.
You will most likely lose contact or have much less contact with your friends who don't have kids. That's just the way it is -- their childless lives will continue on the path of what it is now -- it's only natural. They may come and visit once in a while or call you (although they won't understand why you really can't chat right then), but you will become less close. It's just the way of things and normal in the social life cycle.
When I lived in the U.K., I found the culture a lot "smaller" -- even in London -- than it is in the US. What I mean by that is that even in the larger towns, you had a local area/unit that you could fairly easily know who was around you. You also were far more likely to have access to "an older lady who does" or "a young woman who babysits" or the shopkeeper's wife/daughter who was looking for some work on the side.
Where I live in the U.S., my area is pretty homogenous, so it's very consistently upper-middle class professionals, and the pool of people out there who fill some of the support structure roles simply aren't there. We hire companies to do the cleaning, no one knows of a babysitter that isn't family, and the nannies/au pairs are imported from other countries. If I were in the U.K. now, I'd probably spend some time before having the baby finding something locally you like to do. Find a local pub that you enjoy, join a church, join a society, etc. In those places you will probably find people who know people and will probably come across a more broad spectrum of society than you would in a similar situation in the US. I know many will think it's not true, but in the U.S., we're actually far more likely to have church congregations, neighborhoods, etc., where everyone is very much the same. I'm quite sure that were I still in the U.K., I'd have had a much easier time finding people to babysit or do other things that I might need done through local contacts than here.
Here's the big one, though. Only you know how independent you truly are. You mentioned your fear of not being able to cope when a toddler has a tantrum or when you're ill. How have you handled things in the past -- are you someone who tends to walk away from things, or are you someone who tends to just get through it? Are you someone for whom it would be nice to have someone around to assist, or are you someone for whom this kind of assistance is essential and necessary?
The person you are now and your coping styles will not really change. You are not going to be going to some other planet where you change your identity. You will just be you, but with a child. Don't plan for the person you're not -- plan for the person you are."
What about you? How have you coped with the stresses of single parenting? Of parenting? Of emergencies and sleep deprivation and tantrums? Of friends and family who aren't really there? Where have you found your support network? Has it all worked out magically?
It prompted me to work on the next radio show, about building our support networks. I've dealt with it on ChoiceMoms.org, with the "building support" package. And we've had several shorter podcasts about it on Choice Chat. But I'm devoting a full hour on the topic on the "Choosing Single Motherhood" show, to go up December 14.
Here is some of the wonderful advice that came from a fellow Choice Mom on the subject, which deserves to be available both for listeners and for readers, from Lily:
"While it is something to think about, I wouldn't get too panicky about any of it. You may have to not assume that your support network for the baby will be the people who will be the social support network for you. You may have to hire people to do things that need doing -- I have always said 'I do with a checkbook what other people do with a spouse.'
The answer to most of your questions about "what to do if..." is "you just do it." You won't be getting full nights of sleep for a long time. When your toddler has a tantrum, you just deal with it. When you get sick, you just handle it. There will be times when you will think 'I just can't take too much more of this,' but you'll get past them. I have a few numbers of people I could call, and 99 percent of the time, I get through it just by thinking I COULD call them if I had to. I almost never do.
In terms of work, you will be missing more days than you are now -- that's just a given. The child will be unexpectedly ill, your daycare provider will call in sick or will be unexpectedly closed, and you will have to take time off. If you're senior, I assume you've been working there for a while. This is when it is going to be time for payback for all the years when you took the late nights, worked all the holidays, or whatever. I view it as a bank -- when I had the freedom to work late, pick up the rotten shift, whatever, I did it. I figured at some point in my life, I'd need to take advantage of needing to take time off, and then no one could say I was a shirker, because I'd have years of going the extra mile at my back. And now I do have to take more time off, and I don't think about it at all. I don't feel bad about it, and I don't view it as revenge for all those times in the past (I'm not trying to 'stick it' to my colleagues), but as something I've earned both administratively and in the goodwill bank.
You will most likely lose contact or have much less contact with your friends who don't have kids. That's just the way it is -- their childless lives will continue on the path of what it is now -- it's only natural. They may come and visit once in a while or call you (although they won't understand why you really can't chat right then), but you will become less close. It's just the way of things and normal in the social life cycle.
When I lived in the U.K., I found the culture a lot "smaller" -- even in London -- than it is in the US. What I mean by that is that even in the larger towns, you had a local area/unit that you could fairly easily know who was around you. You also were far more likely to have access to "an older lady who does" or "a young woman who babysits" or the shopkeeper's wife/daughter who was looking for some work on the side.
Where I live in the U.S., my area is pretty homogenous, so it's very consistently upper-middle class professionals, and the pool of people out there who fill some of the support structure roles simply aren't there. We hire companies to do the cleaning, no one knows of a babysitter that isn't family, and the nannies/au pairs are imported from other countries. If I were in the U.K. now, I'd probably spend some time before having the baby finding something locally you like to do. Find a local pub that you enjoy, join a church, join a society, etc. In those places you will probably find people who know people and will probably come across a more broad spectrum of society than you would in a similar situation in the US. I know many will think it's not true, but in the U.S., we're actually far more likely to have church congregations, neighborhoods, etc., where everyone is very much the same. I'm quite sure that were I still in the U.K., I'd have had a much easier time finding people to babysit or do other things that I might need done through local contacts than here.
Here's the big one, though. Only you know how independent you truly are. You mentioned your fear of not being able to cope when a toddler has a tantrum or when you're ill. How have you handled things in the past -- are you someone who tends to walk away from things, or are you someone who tends to just get through it? Are you someone for whom it would be nice to have someone around to assist, or are you someone for whom this kind of assistance is essential and necessary?
The person you are now and your coping styles will not really change. You are not going to be going to some other planet where you change your identity. You will just be you, but with a child. Don't plan for the person you're not -- plan for the person you are."
What about you? How have you coped with the stresses of single parenting? Of parenting? Of emergencies and sleep deprivation and tantrums? Of friends and family who aren't really there? Where have you found your support network? Has it all worked out magically?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A mother's first year in reflection
from Kristina
My son turns one tomorrow, and I couldn’t help and think about how life has changed in the past year. I thought I would share some of them with you.
Things I miss:
Sleep
Ability to plan
Going to the gym
Things I don’t miss:
Lunch w/friends (I normally spend it at my son's daycare now)
Happy Hour
Going shopping or going to the movies
My new joys in life:
My son’s laugh
His reaction when I pick him up from daycare or surprise him w/ a visit during the day
Watching him learn new thing/experience things for the first time
That fact that he learned the word “Yah” but still doesn’t know the work “No”
My surprises:
Regardless of how much fun my single/childless friends are having, I would rather be with my son.
How much I can truly accomplish during his 20min nap.
Changing the diapers not that bad (knew my poor sense of smell would come in handy)
How much energy I can muster when sick/tired and my son needs/wants something.
My time/money ratio has changed incredibly; I am more willing to pay to have someone do something I can do just so I can spend the time with my son.
My son turns one tomorrow, and I couldn’t help and think about how life has changed in the past year. I thought I would share some of them with you.
Things I miss:
Sleep
Ability to plan
Going to the gym
Things I don’t miss:
Lunch w/friends (I normally spend it at my son's daycare now)
Happy Hour
Going shopping or going to the movies
My new joys in life:
My son’s laugh
His reaction when I pick him up from daycare or surprise him w/ a visit during the day
Watching him learn new thing/experience things for the first time
That fact that he learned the word “Yah” but still doesn’t know the work “No”
My surprises:
Regardless of how much fun my single/childless friends are having, I would rather be with my son.
How much I can truly accomplish during his 20min nap.
Changing the diapers not that bad (knew my poor sense of smell would come in handy)
How much energy I can muster when sick/tired and my son needs/wants something.
My time/money ratio has changed incredibly; I am more willing to pay to have someone do something I can do just so I can spend the time with my son.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Tragic experience leads to estate plan tips
submitted by Theresa, after Choice Moms started delving into the subject, partly because of the "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show on the topic (see ChoiceMoms.org for details)
I have some advice for those new to this topic having just started and gone through my own processes around this. There are even things to consider now that our economy is going through a tough time that we may not have had to consider a couple of years ago if we had done this then.
Guardianship/Will: I found a reputable family attorney who helped me with my legal will and guardianship paperwork. A couple of things I did was decide to...
(1)"Gift my home" to my child. When my son is born the home will be gifted to him in the deed "upon death." NOT at market value at time of purchase. Very important. This means if you ever die or you get into an accident and since your baby is your beneficiary, though you may have a will, you need to make sure that your home is never taken to pay off any debt and your child inherits it. I tell you this from experience. Some attorneys don't even realize that gifting needs to occur in a special way for younger beneficiaries.
(2) Guardianship - I not only chose parental guardians but in my case I listed a contingent guardian as well as financial guardian. For example, my sister (though would raise my son well) has a job that is not conducive to how i would raise a child due to the high risks of her job and the fact she is moving around constantly. She is however, EXCELLENT with finances and would do what is in my sons best interest when it comes to his inheritance, life insurance, etc. So I decided on a best friend for parental guardianship and my sister as contingent, but the sole financial guardian with my aunt as her backup. I of course met with each and told them of my wishes and got their blessing to proceed - something very important.
(3) the will is a will... basic standard but doesn't hold much in court unless you take care of your financial status and beneficiary status at EACH account and not to mention sneaky banks trying to not lose more money! I know this from experience too. Especially in the state of NY! So with that.....
Accounts/ Life Insurance/ Beneficiaries:
(1) The REP: You will need a good financial rep and/or accountant (I decided to find both - one to tell me how to approach best in this economy and the other to manage the accounts).
(2) LATE STAGE PREG BENEFICIARIES: make certain that once the baby is born (and issued an SSN) your paperwork is complete leaving your assets (w/instruction ) to your child, to be signed and mailed. Before birth/ssn make sure they place a clause stating "any children of jane doe, etc" so that God forbid you get sick during birth, etc. or become incapacitated other ways your child is taken care of.
(3) Life insurance: 3 times your salary is best, no matter what advice they say - "wait until later, they don't need that much now, etc."... not true!
(4) SCHOOL: plan for college. Some reps can get you an account specific for this or tell you about alternate accounts or bank accts to open... like Long term CDs, etc which do not require much money for you to open them, but grow nicely over time. Esp the next 17 years.
(5) Savings accounts at banks allow beneficiaries BUT checking accounts do NOT. I didn't realize this as did many of my other friends when we filled out the little beneficiary card! It is important to make sure that the surplus of your money is left in savings and only minimally in checking as needed. A bank will make it difficult to get the checking closed and the money there will have to go into an estate account where your guardians/child needs to file court docs each time to open and close the account as applicable. Annoying!
Most important part of all of this!? MAKE SURE YOU KEEP COPIES of everything. Not just a list of the accounts and their numbers and telephone numbers BUT if you elect beneficiaries, let's say, on a website at work, etc.... make sure you PRINT a copy of the fact you submitted that and it was saved. Here is the kicker (AND THIS HAPPENED TO ME!!!!).... MAJOR companies and banks that are trying not to lose 'more' money have this new approach.... they (a) Claim that there are no beneficiaries listed even though you have a nice list laid out... so to get those funds becomes a freaking nightmare and court battle in surrogates court. The calls, the data, etc. suddenly disappear. You trust them to hold the data but when they see the amounts (if larger over time) they do a sweep. If my own mom did not make sure to save copies of statements (and she saved everything and is not the norm) we would have never been able to get any funds or go to court to fight for them. (b) Claim life insurance was dropped by either the company or the policy holder. Make sure the policy and end date paperwork is saved safely.
Anyway sorry for the long email but having lived the experience and now doing my own I am finding all these things are a great help.
I at first didn't think I needed to be so cautious until a dear friend of mine, Susan, who was in her 8th month, was in a car accident. He baby delivered fine but she was in a coma for some time and eventually passed away. Had nothing done and well, unfortunately everything was in shambles for some time. She had a boyfriend so was not an SMC BUT did not list him either so it became a freaking nightmare for that family.
And I recently went through some of the crazier company stuff when my mom passed suddenly and my younger sister and I had to go to courts to exercise the will, which became meaningless in NY without all the other stuff.
Hope this helps those that are interested in some hard-earned advice. :-))
I have some advice for those new to this topic having just started and gone through my own processes around this. There are even things to consider now that our economy is going through a tough time that we may not have had to consider a couple of years ago if we had done this then.
Guardianship/Will: I found a reputable family attorney who helped me with my legal will and guardianship paperwork. A couple of things I did was decide to...
(1)"Gift my home" to my child. When my son is born the home will be gifted to him in the deed "upon death." NOT at market value at time of purchase. Very important. This means if you ever die or you get into an accident and since your baby is your beneficiary, though you may have a will, you need to make sure that your home is never taken to pay off any debt and your child inherits it. I tell you this from experience. Some attorneys don't even realize that gifting needs to occur in a special way for younger beneficiaries.
(2) Guardianship - I not only chose parental guardians but in my case I listed a contingent guardian as well as financial guardian. For example, my sister (though would raise my son well) has a job that is not conducive to how i would raise a child due to the high risks of her job and the fact she is moving around constantly. She is however, EXCELLENT with finances and would do what is in my sons best interest when it comes to his inheritance, life insurance, etc. So I decided on a best friend for parental guardianship and my sister as contingent, but the sole financial guardian with my aunt as her backup. I of course met with each and told them of my wishes and got their blessing to proceed - something very important.
(3) the will is a will... basic standard but doesn't hold much in court unless you take care of your financial status and beneficiary status at EACH account and not to mention sneaky banks trying to not lose more money! I know this from experience too. Especially in the state of NY! So with that.....
Accounts/ Life Insurance/ Beneficiaries:
(1) The REP: You will need a good financial rep and/or accountant (I decided to find both - one to tell me how to approach best in this economy and the other to manage the accounts).
(2) LATE STAGE PREG BENEFICIARIES: make certain that once the baby is born (and issued an SSN) your paperwork is complete leaving your assets (w/instruction ) to your child, to be signed and mailed. Before birth/ssn make sure they place a clause stating "any children of jane doe, etc" so that God forbid you get sick during birth, etc. or become incapacitated other ways your child is taken care of.
(3) Life insurance: 3 times your salary is best, no matter what advice they say - "wait until later, they don't need that much now, etc."... not true!
(4) SCHOOL: plan for college. Some reps can get you an account specific for this or tell you about alternate accounts or bank accts to open... like Long term CDs, etc which do not require much money for you to open them, but grow nicely over time. Esp the next 17 years.
(5) Savings accounts at banks allow beneficiaries BUT checking accounts do NOT. I didn't realize this as did many of my other friends when we filled out the little beneficiary card! It is important to make sure that the surplus of your money is left in savings and only minimally in checking as needed. A bank will make it difficult to get the checking closed and the money there will have to go into an estate account where your guardians/child needs to file court docs each time to open and close the account as applicable. Annoying!
Most important part of all of this!? MAKE SURE YOU KEEP COPIES of everything. Not just a list of the accounts and their numbers and telephone numbers BUT if you elect beneficiaries, let's say, on a website at work, etc.... make sure you PRINT a copy of the fact you submitted that and it was saved. Here is the kicker (AND THIS HAPPENED TO ME!!!!).... MAJOR companies and banks that are trying not to lose 'more' money have this new approach.... they (a) Claim that there are no beneficiaries listed even though you have a nice list laid out... so to get those funds becomes a freaking nightmare and court battle in surrogates court. The calls, the data, etc. suddenly disappear. You trust them to hold the data but when they see the amounts (if larger over time) they do a sweep. If my own mom did not make sure to save copies of statements (and she saved everything and is not the norm) we would have never been able to get any funds or go to court to fight for them. (b) Claim life insurance was dropped by either the company or the policy holder. Make sure the policy and end date paperwork is saved safely.
Anyway sorry for the long email but having lived the experience and now doing my own I am finding all these things are a great help.
I at first didn't think I needed to be so cautious until a dear friend of mine, Susan, who was in her 8th month, was in a car accident. He baby delivered fine but she was in a coma for some time and eventually passed away. Had nothing done and well, unfortunately everything was in shambles for some time. She had a boyfriend so was not an SMC BUT did not list him either so it became a freaking nightmare for that family.
And I recently went through some of the crazier company stuff when my mom passed suddenly and my younger sister and I had to go to courts to exercise the will, which became meaningless in NY without all the other stuff.
Hope this helps those that are interested in some hard-earned advice. :-))
Friday, June 26, 2009
Not feeling shame
A Choice Mom I've known for awhile via email has been in touch lately. Preparing for the inevitable time that she needs to start talking to teachers about how her family was created, she's asked me how I manage to handle the slings and arrows I receive when people learn I'm a Choice Mom....how do I manage to be so open about it, with the book and website and interviews, and don't I fear that my kids might be negatively impacted by the public aspect of how our family was created?
Here's what I told her.
I'd love to get other women's perspectives on their own story.
"I really haven't had any guilt or remorse about the Choice Mom path, and my kids both take it very much in stride as simply the way our family is. I'm proud of how we created our family, and I don't think they see anything wrong with it -- most likely because of my comfort level.
My daughter is 10 now. When she was younger -- about 4/5 -- she used to introduce herself to new kids at playground with the line that her mom is a Choice Mom. She didn't entirely know what that meant. And certainly the other kids didn't. But she knew I'd written a book about it, and she was proud.
She doesn't introduce herself like that anymore, but I know she's still proud of who we are as a family. So that simply seems to take care of things.
And my son, now 5, simply doesn't seem to care that we don't have a dad, even though several of his friends do.
I know you aren't apologetic for having built a family on your own. And that you embrace the family you are, rather than what you are not. So maybe my advice would be to simply let them see, through your example, as you talk to others about it, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. They take a lot from your cue.
I don't remember which chapter of the book that is in, but I think it's the one about raising donor-conceived kids. And certainly the "Do I Have a Dad" CD and some of the podcasts (i.e. Ken Daniels interview early last year) raise the point that the more matter-of-fact you are in the approach, the better off everyone will be.
As far as judgment goes....there will always be judgment from others, especially about people they don't know, and things they know nothing about. Look at the way everyone jumps all over celebrity "news." But those people simply don't matter to me. I might get hot and bothered at first -- and yes, every once in a while I do get the errant snide email -- but ultimately they aren't the people who matter to me. They're pretty small people, if they want to expend their own energy passing judgment on others.
Of course, there are so many strong Choice Moms around -- that I now know via the discussion board, workshops, in my local community, etc. -- that I personally don't waste my own energy on the people who don't "get" the fact that my kids and I are happy, healthy and well-balanced."
So...what about you? Are you nervous about how other people in our children's lives might react to the way your family was created? What tools do you offer your kids about dealing with classmates, teachers, and others who might look negatively on the Choice Mom path?
Here's what I told her.
I'd love to get other women's perspectives on their own story.
"I really haven't had any guilt or remorse about the Choice Mom path, and my kids both take it very much in stride as simply the way our family is. I'm proud of how we created our family, and I don't think they see anything wrong with it -- most likely because of my comfort level.
My daughter is 10 now. When she was younger -- about 4/5 -- she used to introduce herself to new kids at playground with the line that her mom is a Choice Mom. She didn't entirely know what that meant. And certainly the other kids didn't. But she knew I'd written a book about it, and she was proud.
She doesn't introduce herself like that anymore, but I know she's still proud of who we are as a family. So that simply seems to take care of things.
And my son, now 5, simply doesn't seem to care that we don't have a dad, even though several of his friends do.
I know you aren't apologetic for having built a family on your own. And that you embrace the family you are, rather than what you are not. So maybe my advice would be to simply let them see, through your example, as you talk to others about it, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. They take a lot from your cue.
I don't remember which chapter of the book that is in, but I think it's the one about raising donor-conceived kids. And certainly the "Do I Have a Dad" CD and some of the podcasts (i.e. Ken Daniels interview early last year) raise the point that the more matter-of-fact you are in the approach, the better off everyone will be.
As far as judgment goes....there will always be judgment from others, especially about people they don't know, and things they know nothing about. Look at the way everyone jumps all over celebrity "news." But those people simply don't matter to me. I might get hot and bothered at first -- and yes, every once in a while I do get the errant snide email -- but ultimately they aren't the people who matter to me. They're pretty small people, if they want to expend their own energy passing judgment on others.
Of course, there are so many strong Choice Moms around -- that I now know via the discussion board, workshops, in my local community, etc. -- that I personally don't waste my own energy on the people who don't "get" the fact that my kids and I are happy, healthy and well-balanced."
So...what about you? Are you nervous about how other people in our children's lives might react to the way your family was created? What tools do you offer your kids about dealing with classmates, teachers, and others who might look negatively on the Choice Mom path?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Saying No
Sometimes there are so many things to do, I don't know where to start.
But I also don't know where to end.
As resourceful, goal-oriented, "make things happen" women, not only do we tend to have a hard time asking for help -- but we sometimes have trouble saying no.
Before my daughter was born, 10 years ago last week, I worked at least 50 hours per week at my one job, socialized on weekends, wrote a novel on the side. That was good, but not great.
Now that I've been a mother for a full DECADE, I can see that this new role has made me into a much more diverse human being. I care about what happens in my childrens' school, so I'm active with the PTA, particularly its advocacy committee. Recently I helped host a community discussion with parents from 12 local schools after our city erupted into uncomfortable feelings around race, equity in the schools, and integration/segregation.
I care about the spiritual development of my daughter and 5-year-old son, so I found us a great community at the Unitarian Universalist church. I care about being connected there, so for two years I've been working toward our 150th anniversary celebration this fall. Next week I begin putting together a 120-page church history book based on what I've learned heading our archives efforts.
I care about finding my own balance, so that I can be the most stress-free mother I can be (which, granted, is sometimes still quite stressed), so I've been proactive about meeting new people and developing new friendships that fit with my lifestyle.
And, of course, I continue creating and reaching out with the Choice Moms community, here online, and in face-to-face workshop events that in 2009 take me to D.C., Chicago, Los Angeles, and Atlanta.
I feel so much more powerful as a person truly connected to the wider universe than I was when I worked 50 hours a week creating publications for Time Inc. clients.
But now....it's time to slow down.
It's time to start saying no.
One of the things I am hearing more about is the fatigue of kids, who are scheduled and web-connected and plugged in as much as their parents are.
I think it's something we tend to teach them, not only by putting them in so many enriching activities, but by setting an example of that ourselves.
Summer is coming. Trees and flowers are blooming. Lakes and rivers are winking. Books are calling.
I, for one, want to take some concentrated time now to declutter our lives and simplify our days.
What about you? Are you feeling overcommitted as an adult, wanting to take a step back and create more private moments with your kids? What are you going to do about it this month? Next month?
But I also don't know where to end.
As resourceful, goal-oriented, "make things happen" women, not only do we tend to have a hard time asking for help -- but we sometimes have trouble saying no.
Before my daughter was born, 10 years ago last week, I worked at least 50 hours per week at my one job, socialized on weekends, wrote a novel on the side. That was good, but not great.
Now that I've been a mother for a full DECADE, I can see that this new role has made me into a much more diverse human being. I care about what happens in my childrens' school, so I'm active with the PTA, particularly its advocacy committee. Recently I helped host a community discussion with parents from 12 local schools after our city erupted into uncomfortable feelings around race, equity in the schools, and integration/segregation.
I care about the spiritual development of my daughter and 5-year-old son, so I found us a great community at the Unitarian Universalist church. I care about being connected there, so for two years I've been working toward our 150th anniversary celebration this fall. Next week I begin putting together a 120-page church history book based on what I've learned heading our archives efforts.
I care about finding my own balance, so that I can be the most stress-free mother I can be (which, granted, is sometimes still quite stressed), so I've been proactive about meeting new people and developing new friendships that fit with my lifestyle.
And, of course, I continue creating and reaching out with the Choice Moms community, here online, and in face-to-face workshop events that in 2009 take me to D.C., Chicago, Los Angeles, and Atlanta.
I feel so much more powerful as a person truly connected to the wider universe than I was when I worked 50 hours a week creating publications for Time Inc. clients.
But now....it's time to slow down.
It's time to start saying no.
One of the things I am hearing more about is the fatigue of kids, who are scheduled and web-connected and plugged in as much as their parents are.
I think it's something we tend to teach them, not only by putting them in so many enriching activities, but by setting an example of that ourselves.
Summer is coming. Trees and flowers are blooming. Lakes and rivers are winking. Books are calling.
I, for one, want to take some concentrated time now to declutter our lives and simplify our days.
What about you? Are you feeling overcommitted as an adult, wanting to take a step back and create more private moments with your kids? What are you going to do about it this month? Next month?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Finding joy from the dark places
It's been an interesting new time of awakening for me this past year. Discovering what doesn't work for me anymore. Trying to figure out what does. Opening up to new people. Saying goodbye to others. Setting new priorities. Placing greater value on things I didn't pay attention to before.
Through it all, I'm emerging to a place that can best be characterized as a celebration of "not knowing."
There is a kind of rapture -- if I can safely use that word -- in tossing things up in the air and seeing what you want to catch on the way down.
Especially in this time of economic turmoil, many of us are on unsteady footing. Often our inclination is to want to stand as solidly as possible, looking for order and consistency and unchanging, reliable networks we can count on.
Of late, I've been debating (one night for five hours!) with a new young friend who strongly believes, as a Libertarian, that we need to collapse in free-fall fashion before we can re-emerge as a stronger nation. His view is that in Depression we give ourselves a chance to find community and the other blessings of life that mean more to us, in the long run, than material goods and savings accounts. That each of us has the right to prioritize our earnings into the values that mean something to us individually.
This idea, that I heard again yesterday at my Unitarian Universalist church -- that being lost and in the dark is perhaps the best way to shatter illusions and recognize what it is that ultimately matters to us as individuals -- reflects exactly where I am on my particular journey.
A couple from my church, who lost their daughter to a drunk driver several years ago, have talked openly about the strength they got from community. As the mother said recently, in the sanctuary where her daughter's memorial service had been held, "the love in this room was greater than my grief."
I saw a similar message last year, when an outpouring of support in a small town enlightened us at a VFW fundraiser, held to help my uncle's family cope with the difficulties of his quadriplegia at age 69. From the tremendous darkness of his tragic accident also came the opportunity to recognize tremendous light in our midst.
As my favorite Rev. Kate put it, in a sermon about being Broken and Blessed, "from ordinary life comes extraordinary love."
Every day now I see enormous support and insight coming from Choice Moms to each other on the discussion board. We are finding our voices, and are sharing our strengths as women, as mothers, as single people in this vast universe.
Our journey is not about knowing all the answers and doing things correctly, safely and without grief.
Our journey is about finding the people who will surround us -- with warmth, with a push, with a spark -- as we find our way through the dark, emerge into the light, and return again and again.
Most importantly, our journey is about collecting the positive energy to our side so that our beloved children will feel the same security and joy, in moments of connection, that will serve them on their own path.
Through it all, I'm emerging to a place that can best be characterized as a celebration of "not knowing."
There is a kind of rapture -- if I can safely use that word -- in tossing things up in the air and seeing what you want to catch on the way down.
Especially in this time of economic turmoil, many of us are on unsteady footing. Often our inclination is to want to stand as solidly as possible, looking for order and consistency and unchanging, reliable networks we can count on.
Of late, I've been debating (one night for five hours!) with a new young friend who strongly believes, as a Libertarian, that we need to collapse in free-fall fashion before we can re-emerge as a stronger nation. His view is that in Depression we give ourselves a chance to find community and the other blessings of life that mean more to us, in the long run, than material goods and savings accounts. That each of us has the right to prioritize our earnings into the values that mean something to us individually.
This idea, that I heard again yesterday at my Unitarian Universalist church -- that being lost and in the dark is perhaps the best way to shatter illusions and recognize what it is that ultimately matters to us as individuals -- reflects exactly where I am on my particular journey.
A couple from my church, who lost their daughter to a drunk driver several years ago, have talked openly about the strength they got from community. As the mother said recently, in the sanctuary where her daughter's memorial service had been held, "the love in this room was greater than my grief."
I saw a similar message last year, when an outpouring of support in a small town enlightened us at a VFW fundraiser, held to help my uncle's family cope with the difficulties of his quadriplegia at age 69. From the tremendous darkness of his tragic accident also came the opportunity to recognize tremendous light in our midst.
As my favorite Rev. Kate put it, in a sermon about being Broken and Blessed, "from ordinary life comes extraordinary love."
Every day now I see enormous support and insight coming from Choice Moms to each other on the discussion board. We are finding our voices, and are sharing our strengths as women, as mothers, as single people in this vast universe.
Our journey is not about knowing all the answers and doing things correctly, safely and without grief.
Our journey is about finding the people who will surround us -- with warmth, with a push, with a spark -- as we find our way through the dark, emerge into the light, and return again and again.
Most importantly, our journey is about collecting the positive energy to our side so that our beloved children will feel the same security and joy, in moments of connection, that will serve them on their own path.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Evolving as individuals with edges touching
We celebrated Charles Darwin's 200th birthday at my Unitarian Universalist church this week, complete with painting a papier mache tortoise named Chuck, a panel discussion about the inevitable debate of religion vs. science, and a sermon focused specifically on Darwin the Man himself.
As my daughter will tell you, I LOVE Darwin. And I'm not entirely sure why. Something about the random interconnection of life and its results as the evolutionary force of nature. It is why the novel I am slowly evolving myself is titled EVOLVE, and why my bedroom is filled with books about Darwin's theories.
At church, I admired again the words of our gifted writer/speaker Rev. Kate, as she pulled together disparate bits about how Evolution Rocks (look up the song lyrics), how the Church of England has published an apology for its treatment of Darwin's theory in his day, and how the Unfinished Business of life is the continuous pursuit of becoming who we are at our core.
"Evolution is," she said. We're never just done.
Life builds from our "successful mistakes," which is not the oxymoron we might otherwise believe it to be.
When I look at my children, I want them to have perfection. I want to tell them everything they need to know. I don't want them to fall down. I don't want them to get hurt. But, of course, they will.
Last weekend, my 10-year-old daughter did what I thought was not possible. She let a solicitor, a stranger, into the house while I was upstairs. Actually opened the door and let him in, because she didn't want to "not be nice" and make him stand in the cold.
She knew that this was a mistake. Thankfully, it was a mistake that was not tragic -- I kicked him out and she and I had an involved, emotional talk. But it freaked me out tremendously. How could she not KNOW this? Haven't I talked to her well enough? And for heaven's sake, how do I convince her that being "nice" is not always the best policy?
She had made a mistake. We talked about it. We learned from it. Hopefully we evolved from the experience. And perhaps that random encounter with a solicitor might actually help her avoid someone more harmful someday.
Rev. Kate also pointed out one of my favorite mantras: that we are formed from that which is both predictable, and unexpected.
We all need structure to keep us afloat. But it is in the unexpected paths -- such as Choice Motherhood, such as a child's questions -- where we discover who we really are.
The recent Facebook phenomenon of writing down 25 Random Things about ourselves is an indulgent little exercise. But it also reminds me of something interesting that I learned in a UU workshop a few years ago, when the simplest question from Rev. Frank led to profound moments of discovery for many of us in the room. He asked us simply to talk about the moments that piqued our spiritual journeys -- and I found myself remembering something from my childhood that I'd forgotten. About the time my parents took in a few members of a traveling musical group from Chicago that came to our small town, and our neighbors across the street had a fit because they were black.
In our very white town, this kind of bigotry was something I'd never experienced before. And it had a profound impact on my values today. I have an extremely short fuse for intolerance. For that unexpected moment in time, I am grateful for what it taught me.
Rev. Kate also pointed out that on our individual paths to perfection, we still argue about what evolution means.
I see this, sometimes good-naturedly, sometimes mean-spiritedly, in our own discussions -- from outsiders, as well as from within -- about Choice Motherhood.
The California single woman who now has 14 children, after delivering eight at once, churns up a tremendous amount of viewpoints about what is right and wrong. Are we right to make choices for ourselves, but then not allow others to make choices they believe are right to make? Who judges who is fit, and who is not? Is a large family worse off than a small family? Is a single-parent family worse off than a two-parent family? Can one woman really love and care for that many healthy and potentially unhealthy children? And if not, who bears responsibility for them? Do we get angry because we care, or because we think we're better than she is?
Most of these good questions. Without answers. But the discussion itself is good to have.
Again, I believe that we discover our own values in having conversation about what is important to us -- and don't need to always impose our own values onto others. What is important is that we learn what we need in order to become closer to the person we are at our core.
We evolve. As individuals, Rev. Kate said, whose edges are blurred and touching.
The church service also included a perfect example of evolution in action. One of the pillars of our church has been dispatched to Iraq for a year as a member of the National Guard. His family was encircled by the congregation; his daughter (my daughter's age) was encircled by her classmates. We used ritual, and words, and comfort shawls, and tears, to send him off. An individual, doing what he needs to do, whose edges have very much touched those of hundreds of people in his community -- and will continue to do so, in yet another community he finds himself connected to.
It is our own aspiration as Choice Moms. Individuals, in a community we have built ourselves, with edges touching.
for more about the community we could be building in our Choice Mom quest, see the ChoiceMoms.org website package this month about "finding partners"
As my daughter will tell you, I LOVE Darwin. And I'm not entirely sure why. Something about the random interconnection of life and its results as the evolutionary force of nature. It is why the novel I am slowly evolving myself is titled EVOLVE, and why my bedroom is filled with books about Darwin's theories.
At church, I admired again the words of our gifted writer/speaker Rev. Kate, as she pulled together disparate bits about how Evolution Rocks (look up the song lyrics), how the Church of England has published an apology for its treatment of Darwin's theory in his day, and how the Unfinished Business of life is the continuous pursuit of becoming who we are at our core.
"Evolution is," she said. We're never just done.
Life builds from our "successful mistakes," which is not the oxymoron we might otherwise believe it to be.
When I look at my children, I want them to have perfection. I want to tell them everything they need to know. I don't want them to fall down. I don't want them to get hurt. But, of course, they will.
Last weekend, my 10-year-old daughter did what I thought was not possible. She let a solicitor, a stranger, into the house while I was upstairs. Actually opened the door and let him in, because she didn't want to "not be nice" and make him stand in the cold.
She knew that this was a mistake. Thankfully, it was a mistake that was not tragic -- I kicked him out and she and I had an involved, emotional talk. But it freaked me out tremendously. How could she not KNOW this? Haven't I talked to her well enough? And for heaven's sake, how do I convince her that being "nice" is not always the best policy?
She had made a mistake. We talked about it. We learned from it. Hopefully we evolved from the experience. And perhaps that random encounter with a solicitor might actually help her avoid someone more harmful someday.
Rev. Kate also pointed out one of my favorite mantras: that we are formed from that which is both predictable, and unexpected.
We all need structure to keep us afloat. But it is in the unexpected paths -- such as Choice Motherhood, such as a child's questions -- where we discover who we really are.
The recent Facebook phenomenon of writing down 25 Random Things about ourselves is an indulgent little exercise. But it also reminds me of something interesting that I learned in a UU workshop a few years ago, when the simplest question from Rev. Frank led to profound moments of discovery for many of us in the room. He asked us simply to talk about the moments that piqued our spiritual journeys -- and I found myself remembering something from my childhood that I'd forgotten. About the time my parents took in a few members of a traveling musical group from Chicago that came to our small town, and our neighbors across the street had a fit because they were black.
In our very white town, this kind of bigotry was something I'd never experienced before. And it had a profound impact on my values today. I have an extremely short fuse for intolerance. For that unexpected moment in time, I am grateful for what it taught me.
Rev. Kate also pointed out that on our individual paths to perfection, we still argue about what evolution means.
I see this, sometimes good-naturedly, sometimes mean-spiritedly, in our own discussions -- from outsiders, as well as from within -- about Choice Motherhood.
The California single woman who now has 14 children, after delivering eight at once, churns up a tremendous amount of viewpoints about what is right and wrong. Are we right to make choices for ourselves, but then not allow others to make choices they believe are right to make? Who judges who is fit, and who is not? Is a large family worse off than a small family? Is a single-parent family worse off than a two-parent family? Can one woman really love and care for that many healthy and potentially unhealthy children? And if not, who bears responsibility for them? Do we get angry because we care, or because we think we're better than she is?
Most of these good questions. Without answers. But the discussion itself is good to have.
Again, I believe that we discover our own values in having conversation about what is important to us -- and don't need to always impose our own values onto others. What is important is that we learn what we need in order to become closer to the person we are at our core.
We evolve. As individuals, Rev. Kate said, whose edges are blurred and touching.
The church service also included a perfect example of evolution in action. One of the pillars of our church has been dispatched to Iraq for a year as a member of the National Guard. His family was encircled by the congregation; his daughter (my daughter's age) was encircled by her classmates. We used ritual, and words, and comfort shawls, and tears, to send him off. An individual, doing what he needs to do, whose edges have very much touched those of hundreds of people in his community -- and will continue to do so, in yet another community he finds himself connected to.
It is our own aspiration as Choice Moms. Individuals, in a community we have built ourselves, with edges touching.
for more about the community we could be building in our Choice Mom quest, see the ChoiceMoms.org website package this month about "finding partners"
Monday, January 5, 2009
becoming our own support network
This month on the ChoiceMoms.org website we are taking a special look at how we build our tribe as single parents, and why it is important.
Knowing hundreds of Choice Moms, and even some of the rare married parents, I know that the single most important factor in succeeding as a parent is having a strong support network.
Some of the women in the Thinking stage are afraid of taking this path on their own. Others, especially in the Becoming stage, home with newborns, think they are supposed to do this alone, and are more typically reluctant to ask for help.
Those of us in the Being stage tend to have the wisdom to know that we all need a wide support network -- even our married friends require more than one partner to succeed.
In 2009, it is a Choice Moms goal to build greater bridges in the community so that we in the Being stage can be there for those in the Thinking, Trying, Waiting and Becoming stages.
We are often our own best advocates. I hear it every day on the Choice Mom discussion board, when we congratulate each other on baby steps or offer insight into a woman's fears. (It always dismays me greatly when we squabble about petty things, but that is inevitable in every family.) And I see the euphoria that so many women get at the face-to-face Choice Mom networking events.
In this month's Waiting blog, there is a heart-rending story of a Choice Mom-in-the-making who had to quietly go back to work after finding out about her miscarriage, attempting to act stoic around colleagues who never knew she had conceived. She turned to the Choice Mom discussion board to share her sorrow.
At Choice Mom events, and in podcasts, we have captured some of the intense grief and anger that women in the Thinking stage can feel. Online we hear women in the Being stage admit that which they are afraid to say out loud to friends and family: single parenting is exhausting, isolating and often depressing. Single women who have been there and reached the other side as Moms can offer tremendous support, as we read in the January 2009 Thinking and Becoming blogs.
Choice Moms everywhere need to be there for the women who lose the support of family and friends they had thought they could count on. Such as the woman I know whose mother said news of her pregnancy was "the worst thing I've ever heard." The Thinker who was disinvited from a family holiday because of her plans. The small-town teacher shunned by work colleagues.
We need to help these women find new support in us.
For the sleep-deprived new mom exhausted with trying to figure out the diaper genie and the baby carrier and how to interpret her baby's cries, we need to share our own survival stories.
And within our own circle -- dealing with the stress of kids who forget to change their underwear everyday, and have to be reminded to brush hair and teeth before the bush comes, and squabble with siblings -- we need to remind each other of the importance of friendships outside of mothering. Snapping occurs much less frequently when playdates aren't the only item on our socializing agenda.
A challenge of Choice Motherhood is that we're often older than other parents who have kids the age of our children. We commonly lose a taste for dating and don't easily engage in intimate relationships.
We do naturally meet new people through shared playground, church and school activities. But we also need to consciously make the effort to build our networks, and the ChoiceMoms.org website gives advice about how to do that if we've lost the way.
We should never be everything to our children, and our children should never be everything to us.
How have you found support?
Knowing hundreds of Choice Moms, and even some of the rare married parents, I know that the single most important factor in succeeding as a parent is having a strong support network.
Some of the women in the Thinking stage are afraid of taking this path on their own. Others, especially in the Becoming stage, home with newborns, think they are supposed to do this alone, and are more typically reluctant to ask for help.
Those of us in the Being stage tend to have the wisdom to know that we all need a wide support network -- even our married friends require more than one partner to succeed.
In 2009, it is a Choice Moms goal to build greater bridges in the community so that we in the Being stage can be there for those in the Thinking, Trying, Waiting and Becoming stages.
We are often our own best advocates. I hear it every day on the Choice Mom discussion board, when we congratulate each other on baby steps or offer insight into a woman's fears. (It always dismays me greatly when we squabble about petty things, but that is inevitable in every family.) And I see the euphoria that so many women get at the face-to-face Choice Mom networking events.
In this month's Waiting blog, there is a heart-rending story of a Choice Mom-in-the-making who had to quietly go back to work after finding out about her miscarriage, attempting to act stoic around colleagues who never knew she had conceived. She turned to the Choice Mom discussion board to share her sorrow.
At Choice Mom events, and in podcasts, we have captured some of the intense grief and anger that women in the Thinking stage can feel. Online we hear women in the Being stage admit that which they are afraid to say out loud to friends and family: single parenting is exhausting, isolating and often depressing. Single women who have been there and reached the other side as Moms can offer tremendous support, as we read in the January 2009 Thinking and Becoming blogs.
Choice Moms everywhere need to be there for the women who lose the support of family and friends they had thought they could count on. Such as the woman I know whose mother said news of her pregnancy was "the worst thing I've ever heard." The Thinker who was disinvited from a family holiday because of her plans. The small-town teacher shunned by work colleagues.
We need to help these women find new support in us.
For the sleep-deprived new mom exhausted with trying to figure out the diaper genie and the baby carrier and how to interpret her baby's cries, we need to share our own survival stories.
And within our own circle -- dealing with the stress of kids who forget to change their underwear everyday, and have to be reminded to brush hair and teeth before the bush comes, and squabble with siblings -- we need to remind each other of the importance of friendships outside of mothering. Snapping occurs much less frequently when playdates aren't the only item on our socializing agenda.
A challenge of Choice Motherhood is that we're often older than other parents who have kids the age of our children. We commonly lose a taste for dating and don't easily engage in intimate relationships.
We do naturally meet new people through shared playground, church and school activities. But we also need to consciously make the effort to build our networks, and the ChoiceMoms.org website gives advice about how to do that if we've lost the way.
We should never be everything to our children, and our children should never be everything to us.
How have you found support?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
