A Choice Mom I've known for awhile via email has been in touch lately. Preparing for the inevitable time that she needs to start talking to teachers about how her family was created, she's asked me how I manage to handle the slings and arrows I receive when people learn I'm a Choice Mom....how do I manage to be so open about it, with the book and website and interviews, and don't I fear that my kids might be negatively impacted by the public aspect of how our family was created?
Here's what I told her.
I'd love to get other women's perspectives on their own story.
"I really haven't had any guilt or remorse about the Choice Mom path, and my kids both take it very much in stride as simply the way our family is. I'm proud of how we created our family, and I don't think they see anything wrong with it -- most likely because of my comfort level.
My daughter is 10 now. When she was younger -- about 4/5 -- she used to introduce herself to new kids at playground with the line that her mom is a Choice Mom. She didn't entirely know what that meant. And certainly the other kids didn't. But she knew I'd written a book about it, and she was proud.
She doesn't introduce herself like that anymore, but I know she's still proud of who we are as a family. So that simply seems to take care of things.
And my son, now 5, simply doesn't seem to care that we don't have a dad, even though several of his friends do.
I know you aren't apologetic for having built a family on your own. And that you embrace the family you are, rather than what you are not. So maybe my advice would be to simply let them see, through your example, as you talk to others about it, that there is nothing to be ashamed of. They take a lot from your cue.
I don't remember which chapter of the book that is in, but I think it's the one about raising donor-conceived kids. And certainly the "Do I Have a Dad" CD and some of the podcasts (i.e. Ken Daniels interview early last year) raise the point that the more matter-of-fact you are in the approach, the better off everyone will be.
As far as judgment goes....there will always be judgment from others, especially about people they don't know, and things they know nothing about. Look at the way everyone jumps all over celebrity "news." But those people simply don't matter to me. I might get hot and bothered at first -- and yes, every once in a while I do get the errant snide email -- but ultimately they aren't the people who matter to me. They're pretty small people, if they want to expend their own energy passing judgment on others.
Of course, there are so many strong Choice Moms around -- that I now know via the discussion board, workshops, in my local community, etc. -- that I personally don't waste my own energy on the people who don't "get" the fact that my kids and I are happy, healthy and well-balanced."
So...what about you? Are you nervous about how other people in our children's lives might react to the way your family was created? What tools do you offer your kids about dealing with classmates, teachers, and others who might look negatively on the Choice Mom path?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I have never worried about this - I have always taken the open, matter of fact approach and always had a positive reaction. My son's teachers need to know as he is very open about it (he's 7) and they need to know that the word 'sperm' is naturally part of his vocabulary, rather than inappropriate.
I'm happy with us, so he knows no different!
My friends have all been really supportive but I do worry about what reactions she may encounter at school, because some teachers are pretty insensitive. I know that there are some members of my family that are embarassed about my choice but that's their problem. I've been pretty open about how my child came to be and I will be open with her as well.
Post a Comment