When Lori Gottlieb wrote an article about the merits of settling for Mr. Good Enough (Atlantic Monthly, March 2008), it set off a firestorm of debate within the Choice Mom community and across the U.S. in general. We talk on the Choice Chat podcast (posted today) with Lori about the strong responses she's gotten from people on both sides of the discussion. We also talk openly with Choice Mom Lily about the sometimes shamed viewpoint even within our own community that single parenting can be incredibly rewarding but also can be a lonely path.
Catch up on the discussion by listening to the podcast, then post your comments here.
-- Mikki
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
using the "dad" term
One of several interesting and warm-hearted threads on the Choice Mom discussion board this week was started by a woman who mentioned that her child, not quite 3, was starting to refer to a male family friend as "dad." She wondered what to do about it.
She's been getting great advice from the Choice Mom community -- largely related to offering simple, non-fussy correction.
But it's a common stage for Choice Moms to start wondering, as our kids begin talking, about how much we should worry about what they are thinking and to what extent we need to do something about it....and what that step should be. We tend to be afraid that each moment is important enough to have a lasting effect. I remember being very concerned when my daughter started to take a huge interest in princess-and-prince stories when she was 3/4 that it was a reflection on her need for a father....
It took awhile before I discovered that roughly 98 percent of girls that age love princess-and-prince stories.
Now that I have a little hindsight -- my daughter is 9 -- I can reflect better on another stage she had. Once upon a time she used to say she had 3 daddies -- her donor dad, my ex-husband (who we're close with but who I divorced 6 years before she was born), and, after I married a second time, her stepdad.
Now that she's 9 and knows what the term "dad" really means, she doesn't use that for any of them. She simply calls them by their first names.
I think it's fine for kids to play around with the terminology, as long as you very simply let them know it's not real. In my case, I used to tell my daughter only, "wow, you're lucky to have THREE dads." And within a few months she was past that stage.
When I was about 7, I knew about the brother I had who died at birth before I was born. Somehow this took on great meaning for me -- I longed for a big brother at that time, since I was having some issues I was afraid to tell my parents about. It was around the time of the Vietnam War, and I started telling classmates that I had a brother in the war...and eventually that he died there.
I grew out of this stage about a year later (and my parents didn't know about it, so they never corrected me). To this day, I do recognize in me, in times of greater emotional stress, that longing for a big brother to put his arm around me and say everything will be all right.
Sometimes our kids will long for a dad...or a sibling...or a dog...or a Wii. Longing is okay, especially if they feel comfortable letting us know about it in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. And I don't think, when we look at it in the long run, that it is something for us to feel guilty about. Unless we tell them not to long for anything.
-- Mikki
She's been getting great advice from the Choice Mom community -- largely related to offering simple, non-fussy correction.
But it's a common stage for Choice Moms to start wondering, as our kids begin talking, about how much we should worry about what they are thinking and to what extent we need to do something about it....and what that step should be. We tend to be afraid that each moment is important enough to have a lasting effect. I remember being very concerned when my daughter started to take a huge interest in princess-and-prince stories when she was 3/4 that it was a reflection on her need for a father....
It took awhile before I discovered that roughly 98 percent of girls that age love princess-and-prince stories.
Now that I have a little hindsight -- my daughter is 9 -- I can reflect better on another stage she had. Once upon a time she used to say she had 3 daddies -- her donor dad, my ex-husband (who we're close with but who I divorced 6 years before she was born), and, after I married a second time, her stepdad.
Now that she's 9 and knows what the term "dad" really means, she doesn't use that for any of them. She simply calls them by their first names.
I think it's fine for kids to play around with the terminology, as long as you very simply let them know it's not real. In my case, I used to tell my daughter only, "wow, you're lucky to have THREE dads." And within a few months she was past that stage.
When I was about 7, I knew about the brother I had who died at birth before I was born. Somehow this took on great meaning for me -- I longed for a big brother at that time, since I was having some issues I was afraid to tell my parents about. It was around the time of the Vietnam War, and I started telling classmates that I had a brother in the war...and eventually that he died there.
I grew out of this stage about a year later (and my parents didn't know about it, so they never corrected me). To this day, I do recognize in me, in times of greater emotional stress, that longing for a big brother to put his arm around me and say everything will be all right.
Sometimes our kids will long for a dad...or a sibling...or a dog...or a Wii. Longing is okay, especially if they feel comfortable letting us know about it in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. And I don't think, when we look at it in the long run, that it is something for us to feel guilty about. Unless we tell them not to long for anything.
-- Mikki
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Finding Community 2
Have had a really great week of finding the wonderful things about life and community, and thought I'd share some of it -- may be useful to be able to remember. It is an election year here in the U.S., after all, which sometimes seems to bring out the worst in people.
This week started when a bunch of involved parents came over to spend a Saturday morning sorting bottle tops and Betty Crocker labels to earn money for the school.
A few days later I saw the great Eddie Izzard (U.K. comedian), who uses his wonderfully intelligent platform about religion, ancient civilizations, and evolution to point out our responsibility to lift up our communities.
Another set of parents came over to discuss how to advocate on behalf of our school district for much needed funding, especially for our English-as-a-second-language programs.
A wonderful young man who recently fell into my path offered more than 10 hours of his time to help me improve my Choice Chat podcast.
I helped chaperone a busload of third graders on a 10-hour field trip. Many of these kids were overjoyed to see dairy cows in the fields enroute, and giant rainbows in the sky on the way back. A friend of one of the teachers took the day off work to grill hot dogs and burgers, ready upon our arrival, after 2.5 hours of driving, at a picnic place.
Finally, today, I attended my favorite Unitarian Universalist tradition at my church -- the one that led me to join in the first place -- when a few of the 9th graders performed their Coming of Age spiritual statements in front of the congregation. It always brings a tear to my eye to see how amazingly mature these 15-year-olds can be, thanks in part to the great parenting and the church community that surrounds them.
There was the entertaining young man who created a film to show his belief in nature, energy, music and technology. The remarkably poised young woman I had the privilege to mentor who believes in the magic of a long run, of seeing light shine through the leaves, and of the piece of music she played for us on the piano (The Girl with the Flaxen Hair"). The quirky Molly Ringwald-like (ala Pretty in Pink) young woman, who had such eloquent points to make that I'm also writing about her in the "Thinking" blog. And another young man I taught two years ago at this church who has already surpassed my expectations of what a thoughtful, talented person he will become.
There are so many good spirits out there. Weeks like this I am profoundly reminded how great is the source of community connection when we find the right place to be -- for ourselves, for our children. Keep attuned to new experiences and new people and we'll find the Good Ones who add so much without even trying.
-- Mikki
This week started when a bunch of involved parents came over to spend a Saturday morning sorting bottle tops and Betty Crocker labels to earn money for the school.
A few days later I saw the great Eddie Izzard (U.K. comedian), who uses his wonderfully intelligent platform about religion, ancient civilizations, and evolution to point out our responsibility to lift up our communities.
Another set of parents came over to discuss how to advocate on behalf of our school district for much needed funding, especially for our English-as-a-second-language programs.
A wonderful young man who recently fell into my path offered more than 10 hours of his time to help me improve my Choice Chat podcast.
I helped chaperone a busload of third graders on a 10-hour field trip. Many of these kids were overjoyed to see dairy cows in the fields enroute, and giant rainbows in the sky on the way back. A friend of one of the teachers took the day off work to grill hot dogs and burgers, ready upon our arrival, after 2.5 hours of driving, at a picnic place.
Finally, today, I attended my favorite Unitarian Universalist tradition at my church -- the one that led me to join in the first place -- when a few of the 9th graders performed their Coming of Age spiritual statements in front of the congregation. It always brings a tear to my eye to see how amazingly mature these 15-year-olds can be, thanks in part to the great parenting and the church community that surrounds them.
There was the entertaining young man who created a film to show his belief in nature, energy, music and technology. The remarkably poised young woman I had the privilege to mentor who believes in the magic of a long run, of seeing light shine through the leaves, and of the piece of music she played for us on the piano (The Girl with the Flaxen Hair"). The quirky Molly Ringwald-like (ala Pretty in Pink) young woman, who had such eloquent points to make that I'm also writing about her in the "Thinking" blog. And another young man I taught two years ago at this church who has already surpassed my expectations of what a thoughtful, talented person he will become.
There are so many good spirits out there. Weeks like this I am profoundly reminded how great is the source of community connection when we find the right place to be -- for ourselves, for our children. Keep attuned to new experiences and new people and we'll find the Good Ones who add so much without even trying.
-- Mikki
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