One of several interesting and warm-hearted threads on the Choice Mom discussion board this week was started by a woman who mentioned that her child, not quite 3, was starting to refer to a male family friend as "dad." She wondered what to do about it.
She's been getting great advice from the Choice Mom community -- largely related to offering simple, non-fussy correction.
But it's a common stage for Choice Moms to start wondering, as our kids begin talking, about how much we should worry about what they are thinking and to what extent we need to do something about it....and what that step should be. We tend to be afraid that each moment is important enough to have a lasting effect. I remember being very concerned when my daughter started to take a huge interest in princess-and-prince stories when she was 3/4 that it was a reflection on her need for a father....
It took awhile before I discovered that roughly 98 percent of girls that age love princess-and-prince stories.
Now that I have a little hindsight -- my daughter is 9 -- I can reflect better on another stage she had. Once upon a time she used to say she had 3 daddies -- her donor dad, my ex-husband (who we're close with but who I divorced 6 years before she was born), and, after I married a second time, her stepdad.
Now that she's 9 and knows what the term "dad" really means, she doesn't use that for any of them. She simply calls them by their first names.
I think it's fine for kids to play around with the terminology, as long as you very simply let them know it's not real. In my case, I used to tell my daughter only, "wow, you're lucky to have THREE dads." And within a few months she was past that stage.
When I was about 7, I knew about the brother I had who died at birth before I was born. Somehow this took on great meaning for me -- I longed for a big brother at that time, since I was having some issues I was afraid to tell my parents about. It was around the time of the Vietnam War, and I started telling classmates that I had a brother in the war...and eventually that he died there.
I grew out of this stage about a year later (and my parents didn't know about it, so they never corrected me). To this day, I do recognize in me, in times of greater emotional stress, that longing for a big brother to put his arm around me and say everything will be all right.
Sometimes our kids will long for a dad...or a sibling...or a dog...or a Wii. Longing is okay, especially if they feel comfortable letting us know about it in subtle or not-so-subtle ways. And I don't think, when we look at it in the long run, that it is something for us to feel guilty about. Unless we tell them not to long for anything.
-- Mikki
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Having a man in one's life is wonderful, but it can lend itself to even more confusion with regard to the daddy question. I am a Choice Mom with 3 year old twin girls. I've been seeing a man for 9 months and one of my girls has now started including him in family pics she draws and telling him intermittently that he is her daddy.
Then she told a man on the playground that 'we don't have a daddy.' She is also confused as to who her grandpa is (my father), who existed, but has died.
Clearly she is trying to figure things out.
And I am trying too to figure out how to navigate a still new, but very deep and good relationship and what to do about the looming and imminent potential that she (and her sister) may start calling this man Daddy.
What to do:
1/ Tell her still that we are a Mama, C. and G. family, with the added benefit of our special friend and call him by his first name(thereby still distinguishing him as not the daddy and still reiterating the 'how they were born' story too)?
2/ Wait till the day when/if we are living all together,married or even farther than that -- that he adopts them legally -- to allow the transition to calling him that?
3/ Just allow her to do that and risk that he may at some point exit our lives (scary putting the girls in a position of losing a dad when they may have been quite ok without one).
Needless to say, I am nervous about letting the girls view someone as daddy when I don't know what the future holds ... all the while wanting to encourage that bond, particularly if he says that he will play a role in their lives no matter where we end up.
Which is the point at which one allows 'Daddy' to be used? When one is married, living together ... or maybe ... never? There are no guarantees for any relationship, even committed ones, as we all know. Does even the remote possibility of an eventual break up mean that we should never allow this transition to happen?
I'm curious as to what other women out there have done, and what they've told their children.
part two:
I forgot to ask advice on language we could use directly with a child, if we decide that it's not the right time for 'Daddy.' Do we just leave it be but continue to call him by his name and hope that that will be enough of an insidious message clarifying the subtle line? Or do we actually go further and explain that 'he isn't our daddy, he is our special friend' or something of the like?
With 3-year-olds, I can't imagine you can stop them from calling a man "Dad" if they have decided to do so (and if HE doesn't set them straight). Maybe that is wimpy, but I think that very young children adopt their own parents if one is missing and there is nothing a Mom can do about it! They have probably sensed from his reaction that he is OK with it.
My younger child is donor-conceived while my older one is from my marriage that ended in divorce. The little one began imitating the eldest as soon as she could talk by calling my ex "Daddy." He was actually quite pleased to be adopted by her; he is an adult adoptee himself. He has played this role for her in a stable manner and she is not interested (at 5 years old) in my explanations of the distinction between her bio-Dad and her social Dad.
The way I differentiate terms is this: A "father" denotes the biological function - the person who provided the sperm in whatever way that might be. A "Dad" is someone who earns that title by providing care to a child. I often use the term "biological father" in non-threatening ways like when reading the book Curious George and my 2 yo asked "Is the man in the yellow hat George's daddy?" My reply: "Well, he is not his BIOLOGICAL father since of course George is a monkey and he's a man, but yes, he is taking care of George so that would make him his Daddy". Of course, George refers to him as his "friend with the yellow hat". But my point is that I have used opportunities like this to introduce the concepts so that if the subject comes up in context with my child wondering where she came from and if she has a daddy she will already have the framework to understand it from. If someone entered our life long-term who was playing the role of a care-giver (whether it was legally or not - outside marriage or adoption), I would consider my child calling him "daddy" if he had chosen to take on that parental role. Otherwise, it would be too confusing to keep calling different people that and may worsen matters if they leave.
My thoughts - hope this helps.
I have a 4 and a half yr old daughter. She has had an imaginary dad, mom and husband for a long time. Though I'm not sure she really knows relationally how they all work toegther...and I admit it sometimes irks me when she talks about them but I don't discourage it as they are important to her at this time in her life. She hasn't really asked much about the daddy question yet except to say once in awhile that she wishes she had a daddy. She's pretty matter of fact about not having one. We are Christian and we were just having a talk about God recently. I explained that some families don't have a daddy at home for whatever reason but we all have God who is the BIG KAHUNA DADDY no matter what. We both liked that idea and we have a good giggle whenever we say it!! It works for us!
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