On reliability, support and independence

I recently returned from a second networking workshop for Choice Moms, which I conducted in the San Francisco Bay Area, following up a similar event in New York City last month.

Putting them back-to-back, what have I learned about the Choice Mom community?

Yes, we are strongly self-sufficient, intelligent, fun women. And yes, we derive a great deal of strength from being able to meet, connect, share. But there were surprises.

In New York City, the conversation circle about "grieving the dream" was bursting at the seams with participants (topic of our latest podcast). Single Mother by Choice founder Jane Mattes' talk about "Answering the Daddy Question" was wonderfully humorous and reassuring (now captured as part of a 50-minute CD available in the ChoiceMoms.org Products section). In the Bay Area, the small group talking about at-home insemination was insightful and warm. The large group interested in discussing "parenting over 40" had to be moved to a bigger space.

The group chat about Choice Mom survival tricks (which you'll hear soon on an upcoming podcast) focused in both cities on the importance of support networks, and being able to ask for help.

Two aspects of the Choice journey that I've benefited greatly from.

Before having my kids, I could do everything alone. This was a point of pride. Also a lack of faith in being able to trust others.

We need to be able to rely on other people. When there isn't anyone dependable around -- a true partner -- we can become bitter about it...defensive about it (I don't really need anyone anyway)...joke about being 'control freaks'...perhaps melt down every once in awhile...simply do the turtle shell retreat and build our life around no one else.

And then our kids arrive, and we can't possibly do it alone. First we need someone to watch the baby while we nap, or to cook a few dinners (see recent Becoming blog). Then we need a stranger to carry our stroller down a flight of stairs while we tote groceries and baby. Our baby gets sick and -- panicked and exhausted and unable to leave home -- we call on a neighbor to pick up medicine.

And they do.

And we are amazed. We are touched. We are grateful for the reminder that good people exist who will help us, if we let them, if we ask.

We get better at recognizing who adds to our life, rather than takes away. We re-prioritize who we want in our life. Slowly, as our exhaustion with a newborn and our distraction with a toddler gives way, we find ourselves with school-aged kids and we're open to getting involved -- involved! -- with school activities, church events, recreational pursuits, social life, ME time.

We look around and see how much stronger our lives are because of all the new people in it.

It's not easy to trust this will happen before you get there. In the Bay Area, on a gray day, not-yet-moms talked about fears of always being alone. New moms talked about being too fatigued to feel connected to anyone else. And with toddlers running free, making new friends, occasionally forcing moms to leap to their feet for intervention, there also emerged a great, bonding energy. The high that comes from recognizing that we aren't alone -- people with similar values are around us, rising to meet similar challenges, able and willing to offer insight that can help us take a new step if we need it.

We learn, through our kids, that what makes us strong is not our independence, but our interdependence.

We learn and grow, not simply from virtual connections online, but from real, live interactions when we can look someone in the eye and recognize something of ourselves there.

Emily wrote: "I just wanted to thank you for hosting a wonderful event last weekend. I really enjoyed connecting with real people after all these months of digital and written, relatively silent thinking and doing."

Fiona said: "What a supportive group of women you managed to bring together. I've never felt so sure of the decision I was making!"

Felicia reported: "I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be surrounded by strong, funny, insightful like minded women. Especially for a group like us, who often don't feel we get the support we would like to have. You may have support from some friends and some family...but there is something almost sacred about being amongst others like ourselves, who truly get it. It feels very warm and safe."

As I write this, Garrison Keillor is on the headphones and these words slide out in his marvelously melodious voice: "It's November. Winter's coming. We need warmth. We need life. So we reach out for each other."

That's what being a mother helps us do, so much more consciously than we ever did when we were truly single.


Where should we reach out in 2009? I'm collecting input about which cities should host the next 2 or 3 Choice Mom networking events. Please vote here.