Jennifer asks:
I am a Choice Mom to a wonderful 2.5 year old little boy. I am thinking about having a 2nd baby, hoping for a girl. My question for other Choice Moms is: If you have made the choice or thinking, what are the deciding factors in having the second baby? How do you get by? Always the money question!!! I have a wonderful family, just lost my Mom and number one fan in March. Grandpa and Uncle are semi hands on, but adding an infant to the mix is not a good thing. So many things to think about. What was the deciding factor that made you go for it?
Any insight will help.
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About Me
- Choice Mom
- As the author of "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide," I know hundreds of single women who have proactively decided to have children before finding a partner. This is my space for sharing our stories.
10 comments:
Jennifer-
My son was 19 mos when I decided to go for #2- and it was the same mental process with that procedure as it was with #1. I just knew- the main difference was that # 1 was conceived for selfish reasons- I wanted to have a child- # 2 was that I thought my first born was deserving of a sibling. Regardless of the time and money repercussions. # 2 is 2 months old- and it has been well worth it. I wish I could have 3. Best of luck with your decision......you have made it once- and will know what decision to make when time comes.
I have put some serious thought into having another child, but in the end the "money question" is what made the final decision for me. When I had my daughter, I opted to work in real estate so I could be home with her all day. That also means being in an unfortunate financial crunch w/ the market being so bad. If I went back to the 9 and 5 thing, sure I'd make a lot more and I'd be able to afford to have another child, but then I'd never really get to see either of them b/c I'd be working all the time! Ah, it is what is I guess. In the end, I think you need to follow your heart and do what you think is best for you and your family.
Hi Jennifer -
I always knew I wanted more than one child. I also always knew that I wouldn't be able to afford two kids in full-time childcare. Well, I guess I could have if I had kept my son in a home daycare, but by age 2 1/2 he was bored and needed the structure and stimulation of a Montessori center and I wasn't willing to deny him that, even in order to provide him with a sibling.
I was lucky that I had my first child at 34 so when he turned 6 and was starting school I still had a chance (biologically speaking) to have another child. I now have an almost 7 year old son and an almost 7 month old son.
It's definitely harder with two kids. Trying to find time to spend with each of them alone, trying to find activities for each that are tolerable to the other, trying to maintain enough energy to keep up with both of them, etc.
But I look at the way those two boys adore each other already and it's all worth it for me. I know they'll (very soon) start irritating each other (and me in the process!) but that's part of the bonding process that will make them each able to rely on the other when they're grown and that's what I want for them.
Honestly, money is occasionally a stress issue in my life, but it was the same when I only had one child. Somehow you just find ways to stretch it where it's needed and get by. However, I also have a great support system in my six brothers and sisters so I don't have to worry about how I would cope financially if "worse came to worst" because that is when my family would step in and help out.
I would advise that you look at 1) your financial situation, 2) your support system, and 3) your energy level. I have honestly strained all three of those resources in order to have another child, but not beyond my comfort level and (hopefully!) not beyond their ability to bounce back.
Best of luck with your decision!
My son is only 7 months old, but I am planning to try for a second within the next 6 months. I have a lot of reasons for my decision, but the two most important are: 1) my relationship with my own sister has become so incredibly important to me as I've gotten older and we've watched my father pass away and our mother age, and 2) I want to give Sam a sibling that shares that "other side" of his biology. Since he won't know his donor, I want him to have someone in his life that will share that genetic side of him so he can feel connected.
I am 9 weeks pregnant with my second child. My son is 17 months and conceived using an anonymous donor. It was a difficult decision to make (to have another). However, I felt the way Barb did. I wanted my son to have a sibling with whom to share his unique family history. I have a small family and am an only child. My son has so few people he is related to--I wanted to give him more family. I am 40 and it was "now or never". Although I am overwhelmed by the responsibilty I have undertaken--I am grateful for this chance. I'm taking it one day at a time right now.
I am in the same position of thinking through the choices connected to having another child. I'm worried about financial security and my energy levels and ability to cope with a second child but right now think it is more important to do what is right by my 15 mth old son, conceived by anonymous donor and give him a sibling who is just like him. In the end I feel it really is a leap of faith and it will work out. I can do things in the future to optimise my finances etc but at 36 yrs old now don't have the luxury of too much time to think about the decision before biologically it is too late. I don't want my son to be alone when I'm no longer around and feel that although things might be tight for a couple of years in the beginning, in the long run it will all work out ok.
My son (via anonymous donor) is 22 months old and amazing! I found out I was pregnant with #2 on my son's first birthday (same donor). I was elated!! But petrified. Then I was sick as a dog all day long for 15 weeks. I was questioning my decision every day. By 16 weeks I was feeling better and I was happy, though still a little stressed, with my decision. Then, the day of my 20 week ultrasound (a girl), I also found out she was a very sick baby that could not survive and I had to deliver her 5 days later. My heart broke and I cried for 2 weeks. But then I was sure I was done. No more tries. I found a new job and my son is doing great.
But once my job situation got settled...all the thinking started over again. I have a small family and aging (though VERY helpful) parents. But sooner than later, my son will only have me. I am fortunate that finances are not a huge issues for me right now. Though working at a big job is an every day issue, trying to juggle daycare on both ends and do what I need to do for my son and to keep my job.
I have two "tries" left with the same donor and I'm now leaning towards trying again because I think it's the right thing for my son. The thought of multiples or a child with disabilities scares me (I'll be 40 this Sunday)...but I think I need to give it a try anyway for my son and his future.
I'm not sure anyone is ever truly prepared for what one, two, or three+ children will bring into your life. I just know that my son has brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined and how great would life be if that joy was doubled!
Follow your heart!
I have a 2 year old son and I recently made the decision to begin trying this fall with the 4 donor samples I have left for my second child. I have to agree with the other blogs on making this decision, including the faith that it will all work out. I have financial concerns but I will just have to make different choices.
I am 43 but had little problem conceiving #1 at 40 so hopeful for #2. I can only say that I would regret not trying. Another important point for me was my son turning 2, something significant changed at that point and life became easier for me, making room for another. My fears of having no energy are relieved when I realize that the energy required for a child seem to constantly change, every phase is fun but I do think that those first 2 years are the hardest (sleep!). Having a baby was the best decision I have ever made, I adore my son and will adore being a Mom again. I will have no regrets in my life!
Susan
I have twins, so I've never experienced just one. And everyday I thank my good fortune for having two. Two are wonderful. We feel like a real family. They have companionship, friendship and someone to complain about me to when they are older! I wish I could have three - but I think my age makes it a bit impractical.
I've never met anyone who regrets having two - only people with one who wish they had had more.
i have a 21/2 year old son and i am like other women almost 40 years old so my eggs are getting older. i did not have alot of support from my mother when i decided to have my son by choice. so i know that i my decision to have another baby this year will not be welcome news to my mother. But this is my family but like others i worry about finances, daycare availability and the day to day struggle of getting two kids around without a car. so i have gone through a round of testing for the IUI and have had one failed insemination last month. I am going to try again next month for another IUI. i hope that this one will be successfull. and with all the challenges ahead, i know that i have the strength to deal with them because there is no one else to do it.
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