In an upcoming Choice Chat podcast we'll have some excellent insight from experts about how to address the daddy question as our kids' questions become more sophisticated over time.
It's a frequent topic of conversation among Choice Moms.
Here's what some of them have been reporting:
Maya said her 3-year-old son looked at a male adult friend of theirs and called him daddy. She wondered how to respond.
Darla pointed out that it can be common for kids to get something into their head, but they usually self-correct over time. She said she herself was being called 'mom' by a friend's nearly 3-year-old daughter. "We've both tried correcting her but she just smiles and ignores us and continues to call me mom...I vaguely remember my son doing things like that when he was learning to speak. If you look at the way kids learn language, they take a rule that they've learned and try to apply it in other situations so sometimes they just get it wrong until they learn the correct rule. A mild correction, like "His name is so-and-so," should suffice until your son figures it out.
What about you? What situations have you encountered with your children, or your children's friends, and how did you handle it?
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4 comments:
I also have a 3 year old daughter, who has never known her father. However, she has began to cry for her "daddy" when she gets upset or sad. She will cry saying she "misses her daddy" and "wants him." I don't know what to tell her. It makes me feel guilty most of the time. Her father is alive, but has never cared to be involved with her. I wonder if I should try to let her get to know him. But, I really don't want too. I feel like I'm hurting her emotionally. What does someone else think?
I've just completed a 50-minute audio CD about this topic. It features interviews with four experts (Anne Bernstein, Diane Ehrensaft, Jane Mattes, Olivia Montuschi) and six Choice Moms discussing their concerns and the kinds of conversations they've had so far with their kids.
I'm about to post it on the ChoiceMoms.org website, under Products section.
In the meantime, I'm going to build more content for the website about this topic, which should help, and will encourage women on the Choice Mom discussion board to weigh in here about your concerns.
One strong insight I've heard many times, however, is that the mother's own conflicted feelings can be easily passed on to the child. Do you think you've had mixed feelings about not having a father in her life?
Mikki
Yea,
I would agree that I have had conflicted feelings. Right about the time she started crying for him. I had just made the decision to stop trying to keep in contact with him, and she may have overheard conversations I had about him with other family members. So, I suppose in a sense it is partly my fault for talking about him in front of her. However, now I try harder to censor what I say in front of her.
R
I too am in the position of being a choice mom, but having little contact with my daughter's birth father. He is an addict that i had a few dates with when i was forty and then accidently got pregnant, but wanted to have my daughter. sometimes he emails and wants to see her. so we have met for coffe occasionally so she can know who he is. but i won't allow anymore than this into her life unless he changes his life. i don't know how to explain this to my just turned 3 year old and i worry all the time about her being angry as a teenager that i denied her access to her birth father. but i feel my first job is to protect her. i wonder what other mom's do in similar circumstances. i want her to have a consistent dad or no dad. is this too much to ask? is there a better way to explain this to her. so far i have only told her she has a birth father, but not a daddy. she is lucky to have hugely involved grandparents, but i know that does not make up for a daddy. i feel conflicted, but try not to show this. but you know kids can read between the lines. i hope you find some peace with your decision. i believe if we act in the way we feel is the healthiest for our children that somewhere along the way they will understand. good luck, lucy'smom
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